Fever Haze

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Saturday night to today is pretty much a big blur to me…I feel like I remember bits and pieces of my moments awake and I don’t know what was a dream and what was real.

I’m hoping the images of the human dog and human puppies was indeed a dream; I won’t lie I searched my apartment to reassure myself that no such thing was in here with me haha.

I’m also hoping the scene of this evil power possessing my body and controlling me was also a dream or else we are in trouble ha ha ha (nervous laugh)

I do know that I have never felt so rested in my life. I think that my body getting sick was a way to remind me to take a break. It was a rough week last week and I was looking forward to enjoying the weekend and the weather but my body had better plans for me. I am bummed that I had to use PTO days that I could not afford to lose but I’m thankful for feeling rested and recharged!!!

Happy Birthday

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This time last year I was feeling like a slacker for completing only one of the things on my list for 2013 so I gave birth to this blog.  A year has passed at a rapid pace and I feel like so much has happened in all aspects of my life.  I have learned so much about myself and others.  I have learned to be selfish just a little for once in my life and do things that make me happy.  I have learned to remove negative/toxic people out of my life and let them learn on their own about their faults.    I wouldn’t say 2014 was my favorite year but at the end I’m still breathing, I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I have two beautiful daughters, I am able to put food on the table each day and I have a beautiful family.  The other distractions were things that passed or are things that will pass.  I feel blessed for what I have!

May 2015 bring everyone happiness…

Bucket List

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This year I started a bucket list which only consisted of 3 things:

  • Start some form of cake decorating/baking business
  • Go to Italy
  • Shave all my hair off

Seemed a little dinky so let’s make it more exciting:

  • Go on a cruise
  • Go skiing
  • Learn to play the guitar
  • Go horseback riding
  • Fly in a hot air balloon
  • Live in a house with a window bed/seat
  • Live in a house with a hammock

To be continued…

Transition

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IMG_20141020_183709Sometimes a person enters your life and the next morning you wake up wondering how it is possible for things to be so happy all of a sudden when just the day before you were questioning the kindness in human beings.  You were not expecting to connect with this person so quickly and to spend so many hours talking.  You were not expecting to form any attachment to this person that you just met a month ago.  You finally see yourself seeing things in a positive light and life doesn’t seem so bad.  You finally can remove the negativity that surrounds you.  Just as quickly as this person enters your life just like magic they leave your life and it makes you question was this person real?  Did I just have a very long dream?  Did I just talk to myself for a month fight club style?  Then all of a sudden you feel sad for a moment and think how unfair it is that you couldn’t have that friendship longer.  You start to go into that downward spiral of negative thinking.  You miss the companionship this person gave you and the laughs.  You miss having something to look forward to.  It sucks at first and you think why did this happen?  Today it hit me that this person entered my life for so many reasons.  I was finally able to put my past behind and see life in a different light.  This person showed someone what I tried to explain for years in just a month.  This person taught me how to get through my kids with 4 words.  This person made me genuinely laugh after years.  This person will be greatly missed but never forgotten as they were my transition into happiness…

It’s Okay, You’re Okay

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Recently I met someone that said when people are feeling upset or sad all they need to hear is that it’s okay and that they’re okay.  I thought to myself it can’t be that simple otherwise everyone would be happy.  Yesterday Melodie had a bad day at school and was put in time out for 10 minutes and when I picked her up after work I could tell something was bothering her.  Trying to talk to Melodie when something is bothering her is not that easy and most of the time she will just look at you and not say anything, get upset and cry if you ask her too much or just says I don’t know.  I left her alone in the car and let her be.  When we got home she continued the pattern of bad behavior and I felt myself getting upset more and more internally.  She was acting like this with both me and Lillian and I knew I had to do something.  I approached her before it was bedtime and started asking her questions and like always I got the sequence of blank stare, crying and I don’t know.  She started crying hysterically and clearly something was bothering her.  I thought what the heck let me try the ‘It’s Okay, You’re Okay’ technique, what is the worst thing that can happen she just continues to cry.  I gave her a big hug and looked her in the eye and told her, ‘I know you are upset but it’s okay and you’re okay’.  It was almost like a light bulb turned on in her head and she looked at me calming down and asked me ‘I’m okay?”  I don’t know if she was hyping herself up because she knew she did something bad and maybe she thought I was so upset with her.  She calmed down and talked to me and told me what was bothering her.  She felt so at peace after she told me what was bothering her and before I started reading stories I gave both Melodie and Lillian a hug and a kiss and told them:

It’s Okay, You’re Okay

20 Random Thoughts

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  1. There is no better feeling than a child’s fingers running through your hair
  2. Don’t look at me funny when I restrict my kids from the amount of water they drink after a certain time…come talk to me when you have to set an alarm to change pull ups through out the night and still wash sheets and mattresses sometimes
  3. An apology you give yourself will never replace the one you deserve
  4. No sweeter sound than a child’s giggles
  5. Pet peeve of mine is to hear people refer to things or people as retarded
  6. There is always someone that has it worse than you
  7. I started a bucket list this year and I have three things so far, start some form of cake decorating/baking business, go to Italy and shave all my hair off…
  8. My sister took me to my very first concert Siouxsie and the Banshees
  9. I hope to see the cranberries in concert again someday
  10. I miss my high school years
  11. I wish life came with a system restore like computers where you didn’t lose important things but you went to a certain point in life
  12. My parents are two of the bravest human beings I know, they left their lives behind to move to a foreign country to give me and my sister better lives
  13. I will definitely treat myself to a dessert and latte this weekend
  14. I have a goal to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year…ok I know that is a little aggressive I’ll be happy with 10 for end of year
  15. I enjoy seeing live music
  16. I have a pretty interesting range of taste in music
  17. I didn’t touch a cat until I was in college and it was not on purpose that I touched one
  18. I miss my overalls and would totally wear some if I had them
  19. I think I would die without chocolate
  20. I should start working out…it’s the thought that counts right??

My School Angels

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For the past month I have been thinking about the meeting that was scheduled today for Lillian at school to discuss her placement for kindergarten.  Everyday I would play it in my head what I wanted to ask, what I wanted to bring up, what I wanted to suggest, etc.  It was weird how obsessed I was with it especially since it was not the first IEP meeting I had gone to.  Since Melodie was 4 I have been going to IEP meetings but this time it just felt different.  It was different because I felt like I needed to fix the regret I have been carrying with me.  I know it’s not good to have regret with anything in life but this is something that has been bothering me for years now.  When Melodie was 4 we got her into a pre-k program at school that we fell in love with that provided her the learning environment that she needed.  She learned so much thanks to the group of teachers that worked with her and her typical peers that motivated her.  I felt like I had gained a family that was an advocate of my child with me.  They wanted what was best for her and gave me the support I needed in times of stress as you watch your child struggle in school.  At the time that Melodie was ready to transition to kindergarten I was afraid that putting her in general education would completely shut her down and I felt that she would get so lost in the curriculum.  I was afraid to see her hurt, stressed, crying, etc…I wanted to protect her and felt that an ESE class would benefit her the most.  In the back of my head I thought she will eventually catch up and join her typical peers in the general education classes, what parent doesn’t wish that for their kids.  She has been in the ESE classes since kindergarten and though the years I have met some of the most amazing teachers, therapists, students, aids, etc.  I love them all as if they were my family but I won’t lie each day that goes by I regret not “trying” general education kindergarten with her.  Deep down I think I am pretty sure it would have overwhelmed her but that silly “what if” won’t escape my head.  Every year she makes amazing progress and everyone that has been involved in her education deserves the world and there is not enough words I could say to express my gratitude for them.

Today I felt that I needed to speak up in the meeting and express how I felt.  As we went through each of the results for Lillian, I could see that her scores all pointed to her needing to be placed in ESE classes as well.  That moment came when they asked me if I had any questions about the results and the words I had been practicing for the last month rolled out and the tears rolled down my face.  All of a sudden everyone was scrambling for tissues and I could see the empathy in each of their eyes.  They listened to me and actually heard what I was saying.  They stood behind me 100% and right there the meeting changed into modifying her IEP goals for general education kindergarten.  It felt amazing to not be alone in my desire and to have them all support me in the decision I had made.  They spend 2.5 hours in discussing just my child, this is something they do for each of their students!  The passion they have for their jobs is seen on a daily basis.  I feel like I owe so much to them for all that they have done for Melodie and Lillian over the years.

This post is dedicated to the family I have gained at the school and I like to call them my Angels!

I know I made the right decision today…

Breath A Little

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Trying to learn to relax and not worry about every little thing in life.  I have become so obsessed with what about this or what about that and forget to just sit and take a deep breath.  Since I can remember I have been like this….growing up I was the “mom” friend.  Sometimes it is okay to binge watch TV if you want to, not worry about everything being tidy, not worry that there is an unwashed spoon in the sink…sometimes you just have to sit back and breath a little….