Date
August 26, 2004
Location
Advanced Ultrasound Services
Feelings
Before – Excited, Anxious, Curious, Happy
During – Happy, Astonished, Amazed, Nervous
After – Nervous, Worried

When I told people that I was doing a 3-D sonogram many people said, “Oh, why would you do that, takes the surprise away” or they said, “Oh it’s a waste of money!”  I didn’t think anything of their comments and I went ahead with it.  It was a very exciting moment for me to see the little girl that was growing in my belly and I thought it would be a great thing to pass on to her when she got older; for her to see herself inside the womb.  I was so amazed at the first image she showed us; could not believe how detailed and clear the images were.  The images and video continued and then it was time for the thorough screening of the baby.  Things were looking good and then I will never forget the words and confusion on her face when she said, “Her kidneys look very large” as she stared and stared and said she was going to send the information to my doctor.  Of course as a first time mom anything you hear besides it’s a girl, she has 10 fingers and 10 toes causes you to go into panic.  After those words I don’t remember much about the appointment.  I tried to come up with all kinds of scenarios as to why her kidneys were large:  ‘Her dad is a tall guy so why wouldn’t she have enlarged kidneys?’, ‘My due date is not accurate and I am further along than they estimated’, ‘This technician doesn’t know what she is talking about, I will just wait to see what the doctor says…’

Date
July 26, 2008
Location
Advanced Ultrasound Services
Feelings
Before – Excited, Anxious, Curious, Happy
During – Happy, Astonished, Amazed, Nervous
After – Nervous, Worried

Almost exactly 4 years later and those same words that I hoped I would not hear…feelings I hoped I would not feel…

Almost 10 years have passed since I took on a second profession as a “doctor”.  Hours and hours of research on the internet before my first child was even born actually turned out to be the correct diagnosis.  I was always weary of going on the internet to search for medical diagnosis but when it is your own child as a first time parent you can’t help but to start searching.  Luckily for me my research was a blessing as not many doctors had even heard of this syndrome.  I could tell when doctors were just talking to make me feel better about waiting 2 hours in the waiting room and then leaving the office after a 5 minute visit.  The internet has become my support to find other families that are going through the same battles, stress, celebrations, etc.  Going through it all over again with your second child doesn’t make it any better but it definitely helps in knowing what to expect.

In the beginning I was very angry.  I would see moms that didn’t take care of themselves having completely healthy children and it would send me into this internal rage.  I didn’t think it was fair but pretty quickly I realized that those kids are only born healthy.  The life they live most often is filled with emotional and mental stress.  Most of those poor kids would never know the love that I would be providing to my girls…

Even if those words frequently linger in the back of my head they will never make me forget that life is what you make it.  You could sit around and mourn about those words or you could take the situation and make the best of it.  Life is meant to be enjoyed each and every day as you never know what is in store for you the next day…

I had hopes for a good start in 2014 or just this week alone and maybe I was too hopeful and that is why I am so let down.  Things took a turn Saturday night and just didn’t turn back.  Things took a turn into this unwanted alley that sucks the life out of you.  This alley is dark and scary and hypnotizes you into thinking that the words that it’s walls shout are true and the words get implanted into your brain.

I know before I had kids I would hear other moms talk about their kids and the kind of things they would say.  I remember hearing them talk about how their kids would say “I hate you” or “go away” or “I don’t want to see you”.  Back then I would look at them not being a mom and tell them I am sure they don’t mean it and think that was enough to make them feel better.  Little did I know that when I turned into a mom myself and when I started hearing those same words that it would feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart.  No matter how many times I told myself she doesn’t mean it, she is just having a rough morning…the words just kept playing over and over in my head getting louder and louder and louder…

I know I can’t let this consume me but sometimes I wish I could really tell my girls everything there is to know about life.  I wish I could say everything the way it is and everything that I thought about life and what it is instead.  I know little by little they will learn these things as they get older.  There is a lot of hurt behind those words and they are not ready for that yet…

I don’t know how many times in life I (along with many others I am sure) have said the words, “this was the hardest thing I had to go through”.  Every time the previous hard event seemed less significant than the most current event and many times the previous events were forgotten.  Over the years I have learned that life is always going to be filled with situations which seem like the hardest thing to get through.  For me right now the hardest thing has been Melodie’s recent surgery, perhaps it truly isn’t the hardest thing I experienced in life but the other things I fought through and they are just vanished memories.

Watching your baby unhappy is hard for any parent especially when you know there is nothing you can do for them.  For those that don’t know Melodie she can be a little dramatic, I can see her winning an Oscar already…”I would like to thank my parents for supporting me as I cried when I got a paper cut that seemed like the end of the world…”.  Drama queen or not what seems like dramatization to me may truly be the hardest thing experienced for her; it is her hardest event in life moment and she is allowed to have that.

Prior to this surgery my divorce seemed like the hardest thing in my life but I watched myself the past 2.5 weeks work together with my ex to take care of our daughter.  Nothing mattered but the care of Melodie, all the hardest moments I had experienced during the divorce process had vanished.

I watched and realized that yesterday’s hard moments many times become today’s proud moments…